The Sanitarium: Archive

A quick run-down should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie and would prefer to live to tell the tale.

1. Don’t have sex.

Seriously

Abstinence is key.

2. Don’t go out with people you’ve just met that day.

I don’t care how good he says his weed is

he is cuckoo bananas

and he wants you dead.

3. Don’t go to camp. Especially one where someone was murdered.

There are six words you should YouTube, should you get the chance

“Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th”

4. Find a good hiding place and… STAY. THERE.

If the killer can’t see you or hear you WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?

Possibly the easiest rule to follow and, ironically enough, the easiest to break.

5. Always wear sensible shoes, ‘cause you never know when you’ll need to run through the woods.

Someone will always be barefoot

Or in heels

Or just plain clumsy

And will sprain their ankles

And die.

6. If the town looks deserted, it’s probably because everyone is dead.

Don’t walk around looking for people

House of Wax, anyone?

7. Don’t be a hero.

Unless you’re name is Harry Fucking Potter, you will die.

Hell, maybe even then.

I mean.

8. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate.

The killer is there.

Also your dog is dead.

9. Always check the backseat before entering your vehicle.

The last thing you need is to be killed while trying to merge on the expressway.

10. If your car breaks down in front of a dilapidated gas station, don’t ask a sketchy-looking townie for help.

Some part of your body will wind up in his pick-up truck

11. Don’t go into the basement.

They are creepy enough without you dying in one.

12. If you’re trying to buy a house and the real estate agent won’t answer any direct questions about either the history of the home or the previous tenants, DO NOT MOVE IN.

At some point, someone in the house heard voices and cracked.

13. Turn off the television (and run away) if a girl crawls out of it.

It is obviously your wisest choice.

SEE ALSO: poltergeist, daughter trapped in tv because of.

14. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism.

Move very very far away

Because there’s blood on your walls.

Blood.

Your

Walls

Are

Bleeding.

15. Don’t act like a detective.

Some crazy Japanese kid who meows like a cat will attack you in a closet.

If you live, awesome story to tell your friend, right?

But if you die, it is like the opposite of awesome.

16. Google the location you’ll be vacationing at.

If more than five reports for “Missing Persons” pops up, you know not to go there.

Issue. Solved.

17. Don’t get drunk. Or come under the influence of any mind-altering drug.

Running away from a killer is that much harder when you’re tipsy and giggling.

18. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s one of your friends playing a trick on you to scare you.

It is the killer.

ALSO: laughing while saying, “Tommy, is that you in that stupid mask? Oh, I’m so-o-o-o-o scared!” is not conducive to your surviving.

Killers are very sensitive about their disguises.

19. Don’t take a shower.

ONLY APPLIES IF:

It’s past midnight at the campground you and your sorority sisters are staying at or

The lock to the door doesn’t work and you hear creepy piano music

AND THE LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT:

20. If the call is coming from inside the house, get out.

Clearly the killer is not outside, now is he